Cookie Jarring in Dating: 7 Signs You're the Backup Plan
Cookie jarring in dating is when someone keeps you as a comfort backup while chasing someone else. Here are 7 signs you're in the jar, why it happens, and how to get out.
He texts when his other plans fall through. He cancels when something better appears. He wants comfort on Tuesday and distance on Friday. You keep rearranging your week around a person who never rearranges his priorities around you.
That setup has a name. Cookie jarring in dating is when someone keeps you as a security snack: sweet enough to reach for when they're lonely, never the meal they're actually choosing.
This is Red Flag territory. The behavior is on them. The exit is on you.
TLDR
- Cookie jarring means you're the backup plan, not the priority relationship.
- Psychologists describe it as pursuing someone for comfort while investing real effort elsewhere, often without telling you.
- Signs include last-minute plans, one-sided effort, no future talk, and a permanent knot in your stomach about your status.
- It differs from open dating. Open dating can still be honest. Cookie jarring runs on opacity.
- Name what you want once. If they minimize, deflect, or shrug, leave the jar.
Table of contents
- What is cookie jarring in dating?
- Cookie jarring vs. benching vs. cushioning
- 7 signs of cookie jarring in dating
- Why people cookie jar
- What to do if you're in the jar
- The verdict
What is cookie jarring in dating?
Licensed psychologist Catalina Lawsin, PhD, has defined cookie jarring as pursuing a relationship as a back-up plan or security blanket with no real intention of a long-term relationship. The person doing it is often already dating someone they see as the real prospect, or they're early in a promising connection and keeping you on the shelf in case that one cracks. (NBC News)
The metaphor is blunt on purpose. When people feel unsure, rejected, or bored, they reach for the jar. You get the late-night text. The "you up?" energy. The weekend plan that only appears after their first choice falls through.
None of this is usually transparent. Lawsin notes that more often than not, the person being cookie jarred has no idea they're the snack. (NBC News)
App culture makes the jar easier to stock. Pew Research Center found that three-in-ten U.S. adults have used an online dating site or app, which means a huge share of dating starts as a low-friction inbox full of parallel chats. (Pew Research Center) Parallel chats are fine when everyone knows the rules. Cookie jarring is when the rules only exist in one person's head.
Cookie jarring vs. benching vs. cushioning
Modern dating loves renaming the same wound. The distinctions still help.
The Attachment Project frames these backup tactics as cousins in the same family of non-committal games that digital dating makes easy to maintain with almost no effort. Benching keeps someone on standby with sporadic contact. Cushioning often means already being coupled (or nearly) while collecting soft landings. Cookie-jarring centers the "security blanket" role: you're available for comfort while their real pursuit lives elsewhere. (Attachment Project)
If you've already lived the "kept warm but never chosen" version, our posts on cushioning in dating and paperclipping map nearby patterns. Cookie jarring is the version that feels almost like dating until you notice you're only contacted when their main storyline goes quiet.
The verdict: Dating multiple people with honesty is adult. Stocking a human as emotional insurance without saying so is not.
7 signs of cookie jarring in dating
Psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina has pointed to a cluster that shows up again and again: no definite plans, spur-of-the-moment "can I come over," one-sided effort to stay in touch, and zero interest in a shared future. (NBC News) Build from there.
1. Plans only appear when their calendar opens by accident
Friday gets offered on Friday afternoon. Sunday brunch becomes "actually free now" after 10 p.m. Saturday. You're not being spontaneous together. You're filling leftover slots.
2. You're doing the maintenance work
You check in. You reschedule. You carry the conversation. They coast. Tessina's warning is simple: if you're making all the effort, you're likely reserve, not interest. (NBC News)
3. The future is a banned topic
Not "let's not rush labels." A full freeze on next month, holidays, meeting friends, or what they want at all. Avoiding definition can be caution. Permanent fog is a strategy.
4. Your body already knows
Licensed marriage and family therapist Theresa Herring puts it plainly: if you always feel a little insecure about your status, there's a good chance you're being cookie jarred. The stomach knot and the lag between replies often point to them not being that into you. (NBC News)
If that body signal keeps firing across multiple people, our piece on your body noticing red flags first is worth pairing with this one.
5. Affection spikes after their other option cools off
They go quiet for days, then flood you with intensity after a rejection, a fight with someone else, or a dry stretch. You're the rebound without the honesty of calling it a rebound.
6. You're exclusive in practice, temporary in their language
You stopped dating others. They never said they did. When you ask, you get "why are you stressing" instead of a clear answer. That imbalance is the jar lid.
7. When you name the pattern, they minimize it
Psychologist Rachel Davidson, PhD, notes common reactions: defensiveness, blank indifference, or treating your concern like it's no big deal. Indifference is especially useful data. You deserve a partner who responds when you bring a real concern. (NBC News)
Why people cookie jar
Herring is clear that the tactic helps nobody. It keeps the cookie jarrer dependent on having someone, anyone, available. It can explode if the person they're actually chasing finds out. And it blocks the person in the jar from meeting someone who actually wants them. (NBC News)
Psychotherapist Darcie Czajkowski ties a lot of this to insecurity shaped by past betrayal, family rupture, or a deep "I'm not good enough" belief. Keeping options reduces the sting of that story. It also lets them avoid facing the story at all. (NBC News)
Herring also points at modern dating itself: more access to potential partners can breed more insecurity, which makes a backup feel like insurance. (NBC News)
Understanding the motive can soften the insult. It should not soften your standard.
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What to do if you're in the jar
Davidson's advice starts before the conversation: get clear on what you want so their reaction can decide the next move. Then talk in clean "I" statements. "When plans only show up last minute, I feel like an option. I want exclusivity and consistent effort. Are you in that with me?" (NBC News)
Then sort the response:
- Defensive attack: Davidson says if they won't discuss honestly, end the conversation and possibly the relationship. Ignore character attacks designed to derail you.
- Blank shrug: Treat non-response as a red flag. Say what the shrug does to you, then decide with your feet.
- Minimize and stall: Restate the need once. "I only want exclusive. Tell me if you agree." If they keep shrinking your ask, believe them.
You do not need a perfect confession. You need congruence between words and calendar.
If you're rebuilding your radar after too many almost-relationships, grab the free PDF The 5 Red Flags Most People Miss. It helps you catch the quiet early tells before the jar becomes a lifestyle.
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The verdict
The verdict: Cookie jarring in dating is emotional inventory management. You're stocked for their comfort, not chosen for a shared life. Slow dating can still be respectful. A permanent backup role cannot.
You are not a snack. If they only reach for you when the main course falls through, close the lid and walk.
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Related reading: 11 Signs You're Dating a Time-Waster · Stop Asking If He Likes You. Ask If He's Available. · Cushioning in Dating