Situationship Survival Guide: How Did We Get Here?

Listen to the Episode

Before we get into it — this post is the written companion to Episode 1 of the Red Flag Report podcast. Sarah and Alex break down situationships in real time: how they start, why they're so hard to name, and what it costs you to stay in one longer than you should.

The rest of this post goes deeper on everything they cover.

What Is a Situationship, Actually?

A situationship is a romantic connection that has most of the features of a relationship — time, intimacy, emotional investment, maybe even exclusivity in practice — but none of the agreement. No label. No defined future. No clear answer when someone asks, "so what are you two?"

Research published in 2024 by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships described situationships as romantic relationships that lack commitment and clear definition, even when both people are emotionally involved. According to a Hinge report the same year, Gen Z is 47% more likely than older generations to find themselves in undefined romantic arrangements — which means this isn't a niche problem. It's become the default.

The word itself is recent. The dynamic is not. People have been in unlabeled almost-relationships for as long as relationships have existed. What's new is how normalized it's become to stay in one indefinitely — and how many people don't realize they've been in one until they're already deep in the feelings.

How Did We Get Here? The Real Reasons Situationships Start

Nobody wakes up and decides to enter a situationship. They slide into one. And the slide usually starts with one of a few common patterns.

1. One person wanted something casual. The other didn't — but didn't say so.

This is the most common setup. Someone catches feelings and says nothing because they don't want to come off as "too much." The other person keeps the vibe going because it works for them. Weeks pass. Then months. The feelings don't disappear — they compound. And now both people are in something neither of them officially agreed to.

2. The "let's just see where this goes" trap

This phrase is situationship ground zero. It sounds reasonable. Patient, even. But what it often means is: "I'm not sure I want to commit to you, but I'm not ready to let you go either." And the person on the receiving end usually hears: "there's still a chance." So they wait. And wait.

3. Fear of looking needy or clingy

Dating culture has spent the last decade telling people not to be "too much." Don't text first. Don't catch feelings too fast. Don't ask where this is going because that makes you seem desperate. So people suppress the conversation that would actually solve the problem — and stay in ambiguity instead.

4. The connection is real

This one matters. Situationships aren't always one-sided delusion. Sometimes the chemistry is genuine. The time you spend together feels real. You like this person. That realness makes it harder to name what's wrong — because something is working, just not everything.

The Situationship Red Flags You're Probably Missing

Part of why these dynamics are hard to leave is that the red flags don't look like red flags. They look like personality, or timing, or just "how he is."

Here's what to watch for:

• Plans are always last minute. You're never on the calendar. You're a slot that gets filled when nothing better comes up.
• You exist in private, not in public. He hasn't introduced you to anyone. Your relationship doesn't have a social footprint.
• The "what are we" conversation gets deflected every time. Not "not now." Not "soon." Just redirected, joked away, or answered with a question.
• Your needs get labeled as pressure. Wanting consistency becomes "being needy." Asking for clarity becomes "moving too fast."
• Hot and cold cycles that never resolve. Great week, then he goes quiet. You wonder what you did. He comes back like nothing happened.

If three or more of these sound familiar, you're not in a slow-building relationship. You're in a situationship that has no exit built in.

The ProfileFlags profile scanner can help you spot these patterns earlier — in someone's dating profile before you've already invested months of your time.

Why They're So Hard to Leave

Situationships are hard to leave for the same reason slot machines are hard to walk away from: intermittent reinforcement. When someone is inconsistent — warm sometimes, distant sometimes — your brain treats every moment of warmth as a reward. And chasing that reward becomes its own loop.

There's also the sunk cost. You've invested time. You've had good moments. You've told yourself and maybe your friends that it's going somewhere. Leaving means admitting that the thing you thought was building was never heading anywhere.

And then there's the hope. As long as nothing is officially over, the possibility isn't gone. Situationships survive on possibility.

What Survival Actually Looks Like

The podcast title is a survival guide, which implies there's something to survive. There is. Not just the situationship — but the version of yourself that stayed in it longer than you should have.

Getting out isn't about having a big confrontational conversation. It's usually about deciding to stop accepting ambiguity as a substitute for clarity. That decision is quieter than people expect — and harder.

A few things that actually help:

• Name it to yourself first. Before you can leave, you have to admit what it is. Not what it could be. What it is right now.
• Stop waiting for them to define it. The person who benefits from ambiguity has no reason to end it. That decision is yours.
• Date your standards, not your feelings. Feelings are real but they are not a plan. What do you actually want? Does this situation give you that?

If you're in a pattern of ending up in undefined relationships, that's worth looking at more closely. The Date Like Your Time Is Valuable ebook on Gumroad goes deep on how to date with intention — so you're not three months in before you realize you've been circling the same drain again.

Listen, Then Read More

Episode 1 of the Red Flag Report is a good starting point. Sarah and Alex are honest about how messy this stuff gets in real life — and they don't pretend there's a clean answer. There usually isn't.

But there is a cleaner way to approach dating — one where you know what you're looking for, you can read the signals earlier, and you don't lose six months to someone who was never going to give you what you needed.

More on that at blog.profileflags.com.

And if you want to go further:

• Red Flags He Wants a Tradwife (And You Don't)
• I'm Attracted to Red Flags. Does That Make Me One?
• Is a Bad Boy a Red Flag? The Honest Answer