Cushioning in Dating: 7 Signs You're the Soft Landing

TLDR: Cushioning in dating is when someone keeps backup romantic options warm while already seeing you, so a breakup (or boredom) never lands hard. You get intermittent attention, vague future talk, and a relationship that never quite becomes exclusive. Researchers who study "back burners" find that people keep these contacts whether they are single or already partnered, and they often maintain them with friendly texts and soft promises. Below: what cushioning is, how it differs from benching and cookie-jarring, 7 clear signs, why people do it, and how to respond without chasing.

Table of Contents

• What Is Cushioning in Dating?
• Cushioning vs. Benching vs. Cookie-Jarring
• What the Research Actually Says
• 7 Signs of Cushioning in Dating
• Why People Cushion
• What to Do If You're Being Cushioned
• The Verdict

You are texting every day. Plans happen, but they stay light. When you float exclusivity, the energy drops. Meanwhile their phone lights up and they flip it face-down like it is nothing. You are not crazy for noticing. That pattern has a name: cushioning in dating.

Cushioning is less dramatic than a secret second relationship and more intentional than "we're just seeing how it goes." It is insurance. You are the soft landing if the person they actually want falls through, or the comfort option while they keep other prospects simmering.

Before you keep explaining away the mixed signals, run their profile and messaging patterns through ProfileFlags. A quick scan gives you a calmer read on red and green flags so you decide with data, not hope.

What Is Cushioning in Dating?

Cushioning in dating means maintaining romantic or flirtatious backups while already involved with someone, so a fall (breakup, boredom, rejection) has something soft to land on. Refinery29 frames it as entertaining other romantic options while in a committed relationship, and dating coaches there treat the secrecy piece as a form of emotional cheating once exclusivity is on the table. Early dating, before anyone has defined the relationship, is different. Parallel dating with honesty is not the same as secret insurance.

The older research label for this pattern is the "back burner." In a 2018 study in Communication Research Reports, Jayson L. Dibble, Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter, and Michelle Drouin defined back burners as desired romantic or sexual prospects people stay in contact with for a possible future connection, whether or not they already have a partner. Their sample of 658 college students found that most participants (about 73%) reported at least one back burner, and people in committed relationships still reported them (about 56% of the committed group). Texting was the top channel for keeping those contacts warm. Read the open version via the Parkview Health research repository.

The verdict: Cushioning is not confusion. It is a deliberate safety net. Your job is to notice whether you are the main relationship or the padding.

Cushioning vs. Benching vs. Cookie-Jarring

These terms get mashed together online. They are related, not identical. The Attachment Project draws useful lines:

• Benching: You are not really dating them. They keep you on the sidelines with light contact in case they need a substitute later.
• Cushioning: You are already dating them (or in a relationship), and they keep other options warm so a crash does not hurt.
• Cookie-jarring: They may only be dating you, but they stall commitment because they are waiting for someone they like more.

If the pattern feels like low-effort check-ins with no real plans, also read our breakdown of breadcrumbing in dating. If they already lined up a next person before ending things, that is closer to monkey branching. If you are the emergency spare, you may be dealing with cookie jarring.

Spanish daily EL PAÍS covered the same backup-partner culture and pointed to back-burner research showing how common electronic "just in case" contacts are, plus the anxiety that intermittent attention creates for the person on the receiving end.

What the Research Actually Says

Skip vague "studies show" talk. Here is what is documented.

In the Dibble, Punyanunt-Carter, and Drouin 2018 back-burner study, singles and people in relationships did not differ much in how many back burners they reported overall, but singles and casual daters used more positive maintenance (warmth, openness, soft future talk) with their most important back burner than people in committed relationships did. In other words, the behavior is widespread, and the warmth level often tracks how free someone feels to invest in the backup. Full paper: Communication Research Reports / Parkview repository.

Attachment Project's review of backup dating tactics also notes that social media and apps make low-effort contact easy, and that partner-choice FOMO and endless swiping can stall real commitment. That tracks with how modern apps feel day to day. Pew Research Center (2023) found that three-in-ten U.S. adults have ever used a dating site or app, and about half of users under 30 have tried one. Among people who have ever used online dating, experiences split almost evenly positive vs. negative (53% vs. 46%). The option pile is huge. So is the temptation to keep a few "maybes" warm while already dating someone.

None of that proves your specific situation. It does prove the pattern is common enough that your gut reaction is not overthinking.

If you want a short checklist of flags people miss while they are still explaining things away, grab the free PDF The 5 Red Flags Most People Miss.

7 Signs of Cushioning in Dating

Use these as a pattern check, not a one-off bad week.

1. Exclusivity talk gets dodged

You ask where this is going. They smile, say they like you, then change the subject. Or they "hate labels." Or they need "more time" for months with no new information. After a clear DTR conversation, secret option-shopping crosses into betrayal territory, which is the line coaches drew in the Refinery29 piece.

2. Attention comes in waves

Hot for three days, cool for five. Psychologists quoted in EL PAÍS flag intermittent availability as a classic backup-partner marker. Your nervous system stays hooked because the next warm burst feels like progress.

3. Plans stay soft and last-minute

Real partners put you on the calendar. Cushions get "maybe Thursday" and a Friday night text at 9:40. You are scheduled around other priorities and other people.

4. Phone behavior is weirdly protective

Face-down phone. Leaving the room to answer. "Just a friend" with a tone that ends the conversation. You do not need to snoop. Repeated secrecy is the signal.

5. Future talk is vague or borrowed

They float trips and holidays when they want closeness, then go quiet when you try to book anything. That is different from healthy pacing. Healthy pacing still answers direct questions.

6. You meet almost nobody who matters

No friends, no coworkers, no family mentions that go anywhere. Keeping you off the social map makes it easier to keep other options in play. Related pattern: pocketing in dating.

7. Your needs get managed, not met

When you say you want clarity, they soothe you with compliments instead of changing behavior. You leave the talk feeling temporarily better and structurally stuck. That is maintenance of the cushion, not repair of the relationship.

The verdict: One sign can be life chaos. Four or five together usually means you are padding someone else's landing.

Still unsure what their profile and chat style are telegraphing? Decode it with ProfileFlags before you invest another month.

Why People Cushion

Fear of being alone is the boring, accurate answer. Attachment Project notes that avoidant styles may keep backups to limit intimacy, while anxious styles may keep them as a safety net against abandonment. Coaches in the Refinery29 reporting also name unfinished business with exes, unmet needs they will not discuss, and straight-up selfishness.

Apps amplify it. When the feed always suggests someone new, commitment can feel like a bad trade even when the person in front of you is solid. Pew's 2023 snapshot of widespread app use helps explain why "keep a few warm" became a default habit for a lot of people who never call it cushioning.

What it is not: proof that you are unlovable. Cushioning is about their risk management. Your value is not the variable.

What to Do If You're Being Cushioned

1. Name the pattern out loud to yourself first. Write the last four weeks of plans, cancellations, and exclusivity dodges. Patterns look clearer on paper.
2. Ask one clean question. Something like: "Are we exclusive, and are you still dating or flirting with other people?" No essays. No traps.
3. Watch the answer and the next two weeks. Clarity without behavior change is a speech. You want both.
4. Set a boundary with a date attached. "I date for exclusivity. If that is not where you are, I am stepping back by Sunday." Then actually step back.
5. Stop auditioning for the main role. Extra availability will not promote you from cushion to partner. It usually makes the arrangement more convenient for them.

If you are done with app roulette and want a cleaner way to attract people who are actually choosing you, a personal dating page on MyDatePage puts your standards and story in one place instead of a swipe pile.

For a longer checklist of profile and behavior tells, the paid guide The Dating Profile Red Flag Checklist is a solid companion when you are sorting real interest from soft landings.

The Verdict

Cushioning in dating is a soft word for a hard dynamic: someone keeps you close enough to feel chosen and far enough that they never have to choose. Back-burner research shows how normal electronic "just in case" contacts became. Your standards do not have to normalize it.

If the texts feel warm but the commitment stays foggy, believe the structure, not the compliments. Decode the profile early with ProfileFlags, protect your time, and save your full energy for someone who does not need a backup plan with your name on it.

This article is for educational purposes and is not therapy or legal advice. Patterns discussed here draw on publicly reported research and journalism, including back-burner studies and dating reporting. Individual situations vary.