Submarining in Dating: When They Ghost You, Then Act Like Nothing Happened

He sent "hey stranger" at 11pm on a Tuesday. Three weeks of radio silence, and that's what you get. No apology. No explanation. Just a casual opener like the last conversation wasn't over a month ago.

That's submarining. And if it's happened to you, you already know exactly how disorienting that message feels.

TLDR: Submarining is when someone ghosts you without explanation, then resurfaces days, weeks, or months later acting like nothing happened. The disappearing is a problem. The casual reappearance without acknowledgment is the bigger one.

Table of Contents

• What submarining actually means
• How it's different from ghosting
• Why people do it
• The red flag underneath the behavior
• What to do when they surface again
• The verdict

What Submarining Actually Means

Submarining is a dating pattern where someone disappears from your life without any explanation, then comes back up for air later acting as if the gap in contact was completely normal. According to therapist Dené Logan, LMFT, "Submarining tends to refer to the practice of someone who abruptly disappeared, coming back to the surface after a period of time, and acting as though there was nothing abnormal about their departure." (PureWow, September 2024)

The name fits. Like a submarine going silent below the surface and then reappearing without warning, these people vanish from your orbit and then pop back up weeks or months later with a text that acts like no time has passed. "Hey, how have you been?" Or just a casual reply to an old message thread, as if the thread never went cold.

Google Trends shows a noticeable spike in searches for "submarining in dating" over the past year. On TikTok, the hashtag has accumulated millions of views. The Guardian covered it in June 2025, noting that it may actually be worse than ghosting because of how deliberately confusing it is. When someone leaves for good, you eventually accept it. When someone keeps surfacing, you keep second-guessing yourself.

How It's Different From Ghosting

You've likely encountered ghosting already. Someone you're talking to or dating cuts off all contact with zero explanation. No final text. No heads-up. They're gone.

Submarining starts with the same disappearing act but adds an unwelcome twist: the person comes back.

Dr. Catherine Nobile, Psy.D., who supervises at Yeshiva University and Northwell Health, draws the line clearly: "Ghosting is when someone suddenly goes completely silent without warning, leaving the other person without closure or understanding of why the relationship ended. Submarining involves a person disappearing for a period and then reappearing, attempting to reestablish contact without addressing their previous absence." (PureWow, September 2024)

With ghosting, you eventually accept the silence as the answer. It's brutal, but it's clear. With submarining, the reappearance resets your emotional clock. You start second-guessing yourself again. Maybe something came up. Maybe you misread the situation. Maybe this time will be different.

That's exactly the effect it has, and in many cases, it's not accidental.

Submarining is also related to, but distinct from, a few other patterns. Orbiting is when someone ghosts you but continues watching your social media content, staying in your peripheral vision without ever reaching out. The soft ghost is a gradual fade where responses get shorter and less frequent before contact stops entirely. Submarining is a full disappearance followed by a full return, with no acknowledgment of either.

Why People Do It

The experts who study this pattern consistently point to avoidant attachment as the primary driver.

"Normally, when someone does something like submarine or ghost, it has to do with a propensity toward a more avoidant attachment style," Logan explains. People with avoidant tendencies often pull back when connection starts to feel too real or too close. Once the anxiety settles, they reach back out, because the connection is now at a more comfortable distance. There's no immediate pressure to commit or be vulnerable.

Dr. Wendy Walsh, PhD, a relationship expert and New York Times bestselling author, adds another layer: "Submariners often crave intimacy but are terrified of the vulnerability it requires." She also names the practical appeal bluntly: "A submariner wants to put somebody on the back burner so they can reach out to them later when they feel lonely." (PureWow, September 2024)

There's also what Dr. Nobile calls the neurological pull. The emotional highs and lows of an on-again, off-again connection can activate the brain's reward system. For the person doing the submarining, the moment of reunion carries a real emotional charge, which can make the behavior reinforcing even when there's no genuine intention to commit. It's less about missing you and more about missing the feeling.

Relationship coach Susan Winter frames it more plainly: "'Submarining' is born of boredom and/or curiosity. Boredom is the most egregious of the two." (SusanWinter.net)

None of this means the person is malicious. It does mean they're treating you like an option they can return to when it's convenient for them.

The Red Flag Underneath the Behavior

Submarining can feel ambiguous when you're in it. Maybe they had something going on. Maybe their communication style is just inconsistent. People make excuses because the person showing up again, especially someone you liked, feels like evidence that they do care.

Watch the pattern, not the moment.

Someone who disappears and returns without explanation, and does it more than once, has shown you how they handle people they're supposed to value. They opt out of accountability. They re-enter your life when it serves them. They're not confused about what they did. They just don't feel obligated to address it.

Breadcrumbing belongs in the same category: enough contact to keep you interested, never enough to be genuine. Submarining is the more dramatic version because it involves a full disappearance rather than a gradual withdrawal, but the underlying logic is identical. Keep someone available without actually investing in them.

The red flag here isn't the initial disappearance. Life gets complicated. The red flag is the return without accountability, paired with the casual expectation that you'll simply pick up where you left off. That combination tells you something real about how they see this, and how they see you.

What to Do When They Surface Again

There's no single response that works for every situation, but the experts land in three general places:

Address it directly. If you want answers, ask for them. Something simple: "I noticed you went quiet for a while. What happened there?" Pay attention to whether they explain, deflect, or immediately pivot to charm. How they respond to that one question tells you more than the return itself did.

Acknowledge it lightly. Logan suggests that a small amount of humor, without the full interrogation, can still signal that you noticed. Something like "Long time no hear from, what's going on?" communicates that you're not just going to pretend the gap didn't happen, without requiring an immediate serious conversation. It puts the next move on them.

Don't respond at all. Dr. Nobile is clear about this option: "Not engaging can be the clearest boundary you set." If you've already been through this cycle with the same person and you know how it ends, silence is a complete answer. You don't owe a response to someone who treated your attention like something to pick up and put down at will.

The option you pick matters less than the reasoning behind it. If you're responding because you genuinely want to see where things go and you're clear-eyed about the risk, that's one thing. If you're responding because the return made you feel chosen again, that's worth sitting with before you type anything back.

The Verdict

Submarining is a Red Flag. The pattern, disappearing without explanation and returning without accountability, doesn't usually self-correct unless the other person names it directly and the submariner genuinely responds to that.

If it's happened to you once, you have enough information to hold them to a higher standard when they surface. If it's happened more than once with the same person, you have all the information you need.

Scan the profile before you invest. ProfileFlags lets you analyze dating app profiles for behavioral patterns and compatibility signals before you match. The things someone shows you in their profile and early messages, before there's any emotional investment on your end, are usually the most honest version of them you're going to see. Decode it while you still can.

And while you're at it, grab the free guide: The 5 Red Flags Most People Miss is free and covers early-stage patterns that are easy to dismiss in the moment but almost always matter later.